Sorry its been a wild couple of weeks

Hi everyone, I have been on emotional rollercoaster the last few weeks. The loan company for my mortgage says I need a co-signer. I have been on a mission to find one, so we can get out of this house. I have met some very dishonest people through this. I really need to get out of this house. It is the last thing that connects me to my past. Pray for me to find a cosigner, no my family will not help. That bridge is still trying to be built back.

Anyway, I officially have a service dog, who has to be trained in my triggers. She is with me at all times. She has learned to wake me up from my nightmares. To jump into my lap when I start having a panic attack. She is still a puppy so she misbehaves from time to time, but she is learning. She has learned some basic commands and is now slowly being trained to go out with me. She is a wonderful addition to our family. Hermione (Her, mine, e) has been a life saver for my marriage and calmness.

One of the things, she has made possible is for my husband to leave and go run errands without the children or myself. He has been to the city (35miles away) and to the store several times now. I am not pacing the floor, or in a ball crying now. I actually got some quilting done when he went downtown yesterday. This was a major step for me.

Next week, I am going to the doctor, for my mental health medications refills. However, I am going to have to talk to the doctor about my tremors. They are getting worse. The second my hand is still (meaning my fingers are not moving) my hands are shaking. I have started to drop cups, and other things. I know that I am at major risk for Parkinson’s because of the abuse. Just pray that we find out what it is, so either I can start therapy, or at least know what will help ease them. I am excited but nervous to talk to her about this, but I can not progress anymore until I do. I hope that everyone is well. Always and Stay Safe- Josie

Lost a puppy and other issues

Life is hard, and sometimes there is major heartbreaks. I told you last time that we had a puppy come down with Parvo. Well, that puppy survived and became very attached to me. However, her brother caught it. He was doing good for the first 48 hours, then all of a sudden he was gone. He was the only boy in the litter. He was very special. He however, did not survive. At 1115pm on July 4th, we lost our puppy, Kane. I am now watching super closely the other pups. My heart is hurting right now. I have to break the news to my daughters, who are on vacation with their grandparents. I am dreading telling them about this. Pray for our family and our grief right now.

Now, I got some bad news on the front of my getting a house. The federal government will not count my daughters SSI because she is 16. Crazy, right? Due to that I can not get a loan with my current income with out a co-signer. I thought that it would be easy to find one, but its not. So I am trying to find a co-signer so I can move on. I want to get out of this house. I need to get out of this house.

My depression is getting me today. I don’t feel strong, or happy. I feel overwhelmed. I miss my puppy, and I need to get myself to a point in my life where I do not have to stress anymore. I know its impossible but I am hopeful. I am so sorry, that I have been really expressing myself today with my emotions. However, I have learned that if I do not process how I feel that I will slip backwards and my recovery will too. One thing is we victims are great at not telling how we feel or showing how we feel because of the fear our abusers gave us. It is hard for me to express myself and my feelings, but when I do it helps heal me. You are wonderful, beautiful and special. Thank you for listening. Much love and stay safe, Josie

Parvo sucks

This few weeks have been busy. I want to apologize for not writing sooner. I have been house hunting. We have bid on a few houses and lost. However. we are still working on getting a new house. The other thing that happened before I talk about Parvo, is my mother in law came into town and well, let’s say she stayed mad at me the whole time, and I don’t know why.

For those who don’t know this animals are a great therapy for those with PTSD. I have several dogs and cats. I love them all. However, there is one puppy that I have that is very special to my youngest girl. This puppy has really bonded with her. This puppy’s name is Hermaine. Hermaine got sick the day after my daughter went to visit her grandparents and oldest sister for two weeks. We at first thought she just was missing her friend. Throughout the day, she got worse. She couldn’t keep water down. It was Sunday, so we had to take her to the emergency vet. She was diagnosed with parvo. She was given an anti-nausea and fluids. We were given instructions to give her pedialyte and watch her very carefully for the next 48 hours. I ended up staying with her in the bedroom, keeping her seperated from the other pups. The next 48 hours were tough, and I barely slept. However, about 3 am on day 3 she started perking up. It sucked because I had to keep reminding her that she was too sick to go play with her siblings. I also had to check her every 2 hours and make sure she drank.

When she started to perk up, I was so happy. This little angel has been my buddy this week. She is so sweet and calm. She listens and has really enjoyed being with mom. She also responds to me and my anxiety issues very well. My daughter told me if she becomes my service dog that its ok. Now this takes me to the topic of service animals.

Service animals are meant to help those who really need the help. I unfortunately fall into the really need category. I have several disorders that make my day to day functioning a bit hard. I have 23 concusions, Generalized anxiety disorder, Social Anxiety disorder, PTSD, and a tremor disorder (we have not found out what this is). This young puppy seems to understand my issues and stays with me all the time. (Not just while she has had parvo). I know some people that use the word Emotional Support Animal or Service Animal when they just want to take their pet with them. This has given the Support Animals that are really there to assist someone with day to day life a bad rap. All I want to say on this, is please if you don’t really need a service animal, don’t use the phrases Emotional Support Animal. In some states, you actually have to have a prescription for the service animal because of this. I am sorry for sounding like I am fussing at everyone. I am not, I just wanted to get this out of my system. You are beautiful and wonderful, please remember that. – Much love and stay safe, Josie

The Shoe Dropped

I wrote you last telling you about my goddaughter’s property and how she wants to give it to me. That was sadly a ploy to get into my house to have a place to sleep. After staying with us a few days, and getting a new phone, she leaves without notice. I am not waiting to see if there was ever a house that she was going to give me.

One of the things that I hate is a liar. Do not lie to me, please. My ex did that a lot. I found out about several of his lies after he passed. He lied to me about being with other women, doing drugs,and sometimes about his drinking. He lied to me and told me and others that the abuse was all my fault. As a DV survivor, I have a lot of trust issues. It takes a long time to build back trust with me. My goddaughter lied to me and that is one thing I told her never to do. She knew it too. I have to look beyond that and not let my obsessive personality stay on it for long. I have to move on and that is what I am doing.

So fast forward to last week, I tried to get a loan to buy a house and I was successful! Better.com is wonderful for those of us who are self-employed. They even hire a real estate agent for you, in exchange for a discount on the closing costs. Now we are waiting to go see a house. It is bigger than our current one, has the acerage we want and a plus of a swimming pool. Hopefully, we will go see it this week. It fits most of our needs and is out of this town that has nothing left for me.

I hope that it is the one, or that I find one soon. This house we are in now was the same house I shared with my ex. I have to get out of it. One the AC breaks every year, I mean every year and sometimes 2-3 times a year. The house is falling apart and needs to be repaired. My landlord does what he can, but it’s time for me to leave this home. I need to get away from the memories of my ex. I need to have a fresh start, somewhere that I can build new memories with my family and continue to grow.

Now on top of everything else some negative things have happened. My step-father-in-law is getting worse, my mother-in-law is blind to it. She does not realize that his cancer is getting the best of him. It is sad, and it hurts me to see her this way. Now as you all know I talk for a living, I am a teacher online. I have to be on camera all day long. I hate wearing makeup, I have never been one for wearing tons of makeup. Well, with the AC out, I have had to sleep in the living room, where the portable AC units are, and all of our fans. Last night or early this morning, one of my dogs that stay inside, decided to use my face for a jumping board. I have 3 two to three inch cuts on my face from her back paw. I have to wear makeup while at work this week because of the cuts. My face right now is stinging.

I know today, I really have been ranting and complaining. I want you to know that I have my bad days. My good days are finally out numbering my bad days. I am a DV survivor, with multiple disabilities and mental illnesses. I want you to know I am doing good. I am handling all this very well. I have not wanted to climb into the closet and hide, yet. I will let you know when I do. This is why I blog, to have a voice, to have a place to help me heal, to help others heal too. I found there were very little blogs that were 100% honest about the aftermath of DV. The culture of shhh don’t tell, has to stop. I know it is embarrassing, even emotionally hard to tell your story. However, each story that is out there, has the chance of helping someone get out. I will voice mine and my everyday living with PTSD,and the other disorders that I have because of my abuse.It’s the only way I know to heal. I hope that I encourage someone to speak out about the abuse, or at least know that there are people out there just like you. Much love and stay safe – Josie

Waiting for the other shoe to drop. . .

Sometimes I wonder if I will every fully trust anyone again. I am always waiting for that other shoe to drop. I always feel that everything good comes at a cost. Living 10 years with my ex-husband and abuser, changed my thinking. Most DV survivors have major trust issues after they go through the experience that they did.

Most abusers do a few things that one gets the victim to stay and two make them feel like things are their fault and not the abuser. This is what is called the cycle of abuse. I was stuck in the cycle for too long and I have multiple scars and issues when it comes to trust.

My ex would give me things like flowers, candy, a card or a ring. Then a few days to weeks later, he would take it back because I was being bad. He would take things from me and destroy it, if I did not do as he wanted. After that it would be the punches, slaps, kicks, or throwing things at me, because I was not good enough.

Recently my goddaughter has inherited some property. She is giving it to me to take care of. This is because I have been the only “stable” person in her life. She has trust issues, just like I do. She was born to two addicts, and her grandmother raised her. At the age of 14, she found her grandmother hanging in the closet. She had committed suicide. Her grandfather did not want her and her grandmother had said she wanted me to raise her. However, that did not work out. Her mother decided that she was in a good place and could take her. However, she was still and still is very addicted to heroin. Her father tried, but his addiction got in the way. She bounced from place to place until she decided she had enough. I offered her to come home to me, but she wanted to be independent. I told her then I would always be here for her. The only other person that cared about her as much as I did was her great grandfather. He has now passed away and gave her his land and houses. She does not want to take care of it, so I told her I would.

Now we are waiting for her meeting with the probate attorney. Then we will go to my attorney to get the property conveyed to me. I am waiting for the shoe to drop. This land and house would be the answer to most of my prayers and thoughts. She knows this and wants me to have it because she does not want to take responsibility for it. She also always wants a place to call home. She says home is where I am. I am her mom, no one else is.

I am still having issues trusting her or anyone. Every day, I think this is going to fall through. Someone is going to take her and this property from me again. It is an issue that I will probably have for the rest of my life. It is sad that I cannot trust anyone. I wish I could. I wish that I could trust again. Maybe one day I will be able to but I don’t know. Is anyone else like this, always waiting for the disappointment or let down? -much love and stay safe, Josie

Feeling Guilty

As I am transforming myself after the hell that I have been through, I am starting to feel guilty at times. I feel guilty because I am leaving my family and spending time taking care of myself. I have been doing some face masks to make my skin softer and firmer. I also have been doing my nails more often, and really spending some time with myself. When I do this I sometimes feel guilty that I am not taking care of my family at that moment in time. I think this guilt comes from not only a mother’s instinct to take care of her family, but from the hell I went through.

As I have been telling you, my current husband is nothing like my ex-husband. My current husband believes that a woman should be taken care of and allowed to take care of herself. This has been one of the hardest things that I have had to relearn. When I was with my ex-husband, it was hurry up and take a shower. Get the kitchen clean, clean the house, where’s my dinner? It was a constant tending to his needs and not my own. I was told by him that I am not worth anything. This is when I stopped taking care of myself and put everyone else before myself.

This year has become the year of becoming me again. My current husband remembers how I use to be when we were kids. He knows that I need to get back to that confident, love myself person that I once was. This year I have dedicated to making myself better. I am loosing weight, currently at 31lbs lost since January. The guilt sometimes gets to me though. I could be in the bathroom waxing my legs, when I hear something in the rest of the house and want to jump to help. It’s hard when I choose not to, because I feel like I have not been good to my family. The guilt is sometimes just me, and remembering what I have been through. I need to stop feeling guilty. I need to take care of myself. If I don’t take care of myself, the family really struggles. I have come to realize this is true. When I am taking care of myself, my family seems to be happier and healthier. I guess I wanted you to know its OK to feel guilty, but you need to learn to take care of yourself too. It really is helping my recovery from DV. Remember you are worth it. – Much love and stay safe- Josie

You have two choices everyday….

I was scrolling through my Facebook page and saw a wonderful quote that well describes the way people think about Depression. “You have two choices everyday either to stay in bed or to get up and chase your dreams. Some people think depression or anxiety disorders are able to be turned off and on like light switches.

My mother was on of those people, she would say suck it up, you are just being a baby. She had no idea how an anxiety attack was like until she saw won. We were meeting her and got lost. I had a major anxiety attack. It started 10 minutes before we met her. By the time, we met her at the restaurant, I was in tears, shaking all over and pacing. She then looked at me and said I am sorry that I didn’t believe you. Never again, has she told me to suck it up, or ignore it. Now she asks me how many attacks have I had this week.

My mom was easy to convince, but everyday someone else says it is something I can get over. I went through hell, and lived to tell about it. I survived 23 concussions, so far they hav3 found 22 bones that didn’t heal right. One day someone that has said something that your anxiety is not real, will then have an attack. But don’t be like them, support them and ask what can I do. – much love and stay safe, Josie

Birthdays are ….

This week was my birthday. Birthdays are hard for me. All of my adult life my birthday has just been well a day on the calendar This year was a bit better. My wonderful MIL remembered something that I told her that I had never had an Edible Arrangement. She sent me one for my birthday. My son sang Happy Birthday, my mama all day. My wonderful husband, despite being in pain from an abyss, made me a cake. So far it was the best birthday, I have had in a long time. My ex made my birthday all about him, because his birthday was. 3 days before mine. So I never really had a birthday.

On another note, still working on the loan. However, I am happy to report that I am down 30lbs as of today. I haven’t weighed this for at least 5 years. I am almost to my halfway point. I am feeling better. Soon, I will be down 10 more pounds. Thank you Nutrisystem for teaching me how to eat right. Remember you are beautiful and worth everything.- much love and stay safe, Josie

Back to house hunting!

This last week, I have been trying to get a loan. Some loan companies are not willing to work with you. Then there is one that walks you through what you need to do. Customer Service is important and so is respect. This guy I am working with now, actually cares. Maybe I will get a home to call my own.

Some of you are new readers, you may have read some of my other blogs. I am a survivor of Domestic Violence. My ex husband who is now passed away, abused me for 10 years. We are still learning the long term affects of the abuse. I have 23 healed concussions, that is the same amount a football player would have after 20 years of playing I have PTSD, Generalized anxiety disorder, social anxiety disorder as well as many physical issues from the abuse. My oldest child also has many issues due to the abuse.

When I left my ex, I started completely over. I started with 3 pairs of pants and shirts. Since then, I have been rebuilding my life. I have everything I need, but the only thing that is holding me back is being in the house that I was abused in. I want out of here. I want to continue my recovery in a home that doesn’t remind me of him. I need this. Cross your fingers that everything works out soon. – much love and stay safe, Josie

Some people just don’t understand

We have to be politically correct now a days. We have to watch what we say and who we say it to. Everyone is very sensitive and wants to feel included. I understand that, just try not to let everything get to you.

I am grateful for my job. I love what I do, I love to teach. One of the benefits of my job is I am exposed everyday to a lot of different cultures. One of these many cultures, women are still treated very poorly. I have had a couple of students from this region. They do not like a woman to be in charge of them. In saying this, both of these men have said some really hurtful things to me. Some of those comments, Do you like to eat fast food? You are ver fat, so do you exercise? It hurt me when they said these things. I was very sensitive to it because my weight is something I am working on. I told my husband about these comments last night. He said you have to let it go. You can’t stress the small things. Your beautiful and you have lost a lot of weight so far. Remember we have to buy you new clothes, because your clothes are getting too big.

My husband reminded me that I am aware of my weight issue. I have lost 25 lbs since January 9,2021. I went for a size 20 pant and 3xl top to a xl top and size 14/16 pants. I have to start letting the little things go and remember I am worth it. I am changing myself and when I am finished, I will be the me that I need to be. Just remember you are beautiful and worth it, no matter what anyone else says. Much love and stay safe-Josie