Surviving verses Recovering

I am a DV survivor. I suffered days of endless abuse, mentally, emotionally and physically. I had doors kicked in on me for taking a shower with the door closed. I was called bitch, whore, slut, a nobody and stupid almost everyday. I was pulled out of bed by my feet, because he needed a beer. I had bottles thrown at me. I survived a war in my own home, by someone I loved. Then I went to work for an over demanding company, that stressed me out so much that I never really entered recovery.

Recovering means to get over. I think it really means is how to handle your demons. My demons come and go when they please. I can be fine then BAM! There they are causing a panic attack. I am learning how to handle them. I am in recovery. I am learning techniques to help me calm down and handle the stressors. This takes time. Recovering is learning to live again. It’s taken me a long time to get here. Baby steps, baby steps. In the last 6 months those baby steps are happening more often. I can truly say I am in recovery. I am getting stronger.

So being a survivor means you got out alive. Congrats on that! I am proud of you. Recovery will take time, it comes after the abuse is over and comes in your own time. Both surviving and recovery work hand in hand. Just know it’s ok to say I am a recovering DV survivor. We must all learn how to live again. It just takes baby steps. I am here for anyone who wants to talk. -Much love and stay safe, Josie

Another fear is starting to diminish

As I told you I have a fear of leaving my house and going somewhere. This has been a fear that started because of two things. After my abuser and I split up, and he got out of prison, he would follow me everywhere. The law could not prove it, but he did. The second is because I was going to my grandmother’s funeral and we were in a bad accident. I have been doing better with traveling. There is one bridge/dam combination that use to scare me to death. One side of the dam is lower than the other.I made it across yesterday and Friday twice! I also went to the mall (with a mask on). So another fear bits the dust.Next fear is to let my husband go somewhere without me.

Why do I tell you about my accomplishments and weird fears? So you know that not all DV survivors recover at the same time. Also it’s ok to be scared, just do something to make it easier. I did by getting help. Also by writing this blog. It helps me and you. Much love and stay safe -Josie

Do not measure your recovery to someone else’s.

A friend that I have and talk with said I don’t know if I will ever recover. I asked her why she said that. She said because Jane Doe left her abuser at the same time I did. She is progressing better than I am. I had to laugh for a second. I did the same thing. My counselor told me something that I shared with my friend and now you.

Have you ever watched a flower grow? What about two flowers that are the same species, planted at the same time? If so, do they grow at the same pace? Are their petals and leaves the same? No. Your recovery is like the two flowers, everyone’s has their own pace and style of recovery. Also everyone’s abuse is different, so Stop comparing yourself. I think that is good advice for almost everyone in this world.

I was severally abused, I have scars emotionally, physically and mentally that will never go away. I am still learning to cope after 8 years. This year has been the best year yet. I am and will always be a recovering survivor of DV. The nightmares do fade, the pain fades, the anxiety with help does get better. Please if you are being abused reach out to someone. If you are recovering remember you will heal at your own pace, don’t compare yourself to others. You are beautiful, remember that, Much love and stay healthy- Josie

Depression Sucks

I try not to write when I am down, but I need to. There is so much going on that I just want to sleep. I am fighting it. I am not going to let it stop me. My hubby is so wonderful when I am like this. My mind is flying through the what if’s. I just need to shake this.

So what’s wrong? Nothing really. Just we have still not closed on the house, almost there ( not our fault), I got my first criticism at my new job. I have been there since April. I need to have a more realistic conversation with my ESL students. My ex sister in law, who is a lot like her brother, is trying to put her nose into my life. Ugg So what am I going to do about it. Be patient with the house. Try having a conversation with my students and tell my ex sister in law that I don’t need her stress in my life. Guess what just saying this to you my readers is helping.

I want you to know, it’s normal to have these days. I have them every so often. I am getting help for what I am going through and the chemical imbalance that I have. If you need to talk, comment on here. I will respond. Much love and stay healthy- Josie

Relationships, Corona and me

I was watching the news and they did a story on relationships during this pandemic. It stated that there is an up take in break ups. The excuse is being with someone 24/7 is straining the relationship. I wondered why. As you know, I have severe PTSD, generalized anxiety disorder, social anxiety disorder and a few others I forget the name of. This means well almost everything can be a trigger for a anxiety or panic attack. Why am I bringing this up? Well it has a lot to do with relationships and corona.

My first husband was my abuser. He left me almost crippled emotionally, when we separated because of that night. If he were alive and we were still together. I would probably be dead right now. My current husband is totally different. When I say we don’t argue, I mean we don’t argue. John and I have an agreement if we disagree with each other, we walk away until we are calm and then talk about it. We enjoy each other, we find joy in the good days. He understands my issues and he knows there are bad days, really bad days. On the really bad days, he just gives me my space. He lets me know I am there for you. I can truly say he is my best friend. He knows me better than anyone ever has, but he never uses that against me. We tease each other but when have learned when to stop. This did not happen overnight, it took work and rules.

So what does my relationship have to do with the news I watched? Simply, this is a test of our strength and love for one another. I strongly suggest that you follow our rules during this time. Don’t argue when you are mad, give each other space, be there for each other and take care of yourself. This will help you and your relationship grow stronger during this pandemic. Please wear a mask for those like me that have autoimmune diseases. Oh, by the way, we still have not closed on the house, but will soon! – much love and hope of health- Josie

Old Friends are not always the best.

I live in the same town for now that my ex lived in his whole life. It’s hard running into our old friends. Yesterday while we were out doing errands, we ran into an old friend. The old friend and I talked for a moment. She said to me that she hates to see me with someone other than my ex. She said he is such a great guy. She went on and on trying to make me feel guilty for what happened 8 years ago I broke down and finally said “What a great friendly him you are. Did you know he died in February? Also did you know he tried to kill me?” She was taken a back from what I said. I then smiled and walked away.

A year ago, I would have lost it and started balling crying or have a major panic attack, This time I just said it the way it should have been said all along. I am stronger than I was before February. Sometimes though you will have friends that tell you that you shouldn’t have left. Those type of old friends are not the best to have. I had to give up a lot of friends after my ex. The reason they were toxic to my recovery. If you have friends like that, please let them go. Take care of yourself. Much love-Josie

,

Today my heart aches.

Today my heart aches for this country and my middle daughter. The riots do need to stop, I agree the peaceful protests need to continue until there is a change. The riot side of things is only hurting those who are already hurting from coronavirus. It needs to stop. I stand with those in the I can’t breathe. I stand with the heart broken mothers who have lost their children due to brutality. I also stand with the good cops, who are just and try to help not hurt. I stand with those who do not see color but see love.

All of these thoughts came up today, like a geyser. As I watch. Y middle daughter loose her cat to kidney disease. There is nothing that we can do for the cat. My tears for her are showing on my screen as I type this, Her cat Hershey has helped my daughter blossom to a beautiful amazing young woman. My heart aches for her. I wish I could take her pain just like I wish I could take the pain away for all those who have died due to brutality. I am not a religious person but I am asking my readers to pray. Thank you- much love, Josie

Some thoughts

George Floyd’s death has brought me to deep thought. I am a troubled by what I see on the news. I am a civil rights history buff. What is going on is horrific and just a part of a long struggle. Racism has to stop. The police need to be trained for the cultures that they serve. In saying that tolerance needs to be taught, not just to the kids, but to everyone.

I pride myself on not seeing a person by their color of their skin. I have friends that are different races than me. I have taught my children not to see color, but to see the person, how they carry themselves, and to know they have as much right as you do. Racism has to stop, if we don’t stop it no one will. I am pleading with my readers to do something nice for someone. I am encouraging you to pray for everyone, to forgive everyone. I am pleading with you to stop seeing color and to see the person that is in front of you. Much love and peace-Josie

Get out if you can

I have been watching the news. Domestic violence has spiked. Many are asking why. It’s really simple to understand. Spouses who are already verbally abusive, but not physical have been trapped under duress in this pandemic with the person they abuse. It is estimated about 70% more likely that someone who is verbally abusive will become physically abusive. Their victim has no escape. This is prime time for the abuser to break the victim down more. The isolation is a big factor in this. Combine the isolation and being in the same house daily is a perfect storm for anger to get out of control. This is why I am screaming from the top of my lungs “Get out if you can.”

What I wrote is true, I know I experienced it. My abuser and I were trapped inside for a week, just a week. It was the most explosive week and ended up being my escape. I don’t talk much about that week, most of it’s a blur. But Jan. 22, 2012 is my Independence Day. That night started the same, he was drunk. He fell asleep with a beer in his hand and it dropped and soaked him. He blamed me, I was in the kitchen. I stated I was not going to fight. He jumps over the couch and chokes me, then he put a knife to the back of my throat. My oldest ran and called 911. He busted down her door, I jumped in front of him. He hit me while she ran. She hid and he found her. He started hitting her. I tried to fight him off. I ended up biting him. The cops arrested him and helped us start over. I have to say, that was a typical night for me when he was drunk. But being cooped up together for a week, made it worse. If a week did that to me, 3 months will do that to anyone who is an abuser or potentially an abuser. So if you know someone who maybe being abused, call them, do a welfare check or something to let them know someone cares. Thanks. Much love-Josie

Moving on, no more back steps, I hope.

Hello my survivors. So the last few days has been a constant jumble of emotions. As of today, they accepted our offer. Learning about the process to buy a house has been a nightmare and an eye opener. Buying a house during a pandemic is well difficult for anyone. I have had friends say there loans have been put on hold. I have a friend that is two weeks from moving into her house and the bank put her loan on hold. I guess we are lucky, we are actually doing better with this pandemic that most of my friends. I am not rich by any means, in fact we still qualify for welfare, but don’t take it.

Anyway, back to the emotions that I have been going through. The second we got the call, we jumped up and down and danced. Then it set in, the panic attack started. We bought a house, omg, we bought a house. Looking around my current house freaking out about how much we have collected over the last 12 years. I don’t know should I laugh, cry or what? More to come over the next few weeks, let’s hope my PTSD doesn’t cause us issues. Much love and health-Josie